


We're at DEFCON 5, people!

by Kerjen



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-09
Updated: 2015-09-09
Packaged: 2018-04-19 22:57:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4764098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kerjen/pseuds/Kerjen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Where the Doctor runs into a possible ex-lover of River's and contemplates murder, Amy shows how well she can read her daughter, and Rory is revealed as the yardstick Melody has always used to measure the relationships in her life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	We're at DEFCON 5, people!

Amy slapped the Doctor's shoulder hard. She didn't do it just once. She gave him a good solid _slap-slap-slap-slap-slap_ rapidly with both hands and didn't stop at his, "Ow! Pond! Ow!"

She gave him one more hit and then glowered at him. "Stop that! What is wrong with you?"

"You hit me!"

She jabbed a finger into his face and he recoiled thinking she planned to poke him in the eye. "I've seen that face. It's a bad face. Why are you making it?"

He glanced over to where River sat on a short stack of crates sixty feet away, listening to the man standing in front of her.

"I'm not making any bad faces."

"Yes, you are. Now tell me why."

The man said something to make River laugh. The crates that made up her seat rocked gently underneath of her with it. Her hair danced around her cheeks and the collar of her pale green, V-neck blouse.

Amy poked the Doctor in the chest. "Why are you glaring at River?"

The guy leaned into her in triumph for being the one who made her laugh.

"I'm not glaring at River, I'm not glaring at anyone, and I'm _especially_ not glaring at -- at -- _that_."

 _That_ hitched his khaki trouser leg so he could put his foot on the crate next to River and then leaned on his knee with one arm. He tugged at the brim of his trilby and grinned.

"What were you just doing with your hand?" Amy asked.

"I was waving -- dismissively -- to show I wasn't glaring."

"You looked like you were putting a curse on that bloke. Or doing some Time Lord version of flipping someone off. Hold on! _That_ _'_ _s_ what this is about?"

"I told you--"

"That's why you're making that face? Because of him?" She looked back over to where River was before she pronounced, "Stupid. He's nothing."

"Oh, like you're the expert," the Doctor grumbled and shoved his hands into his pockets.

Six feet of arrogant ginger -- counting shoes into the height -- came right back up to him. "I _am_ the expert! _I_ _'_ _m_ the _mum_ , remember? I've been around from her teen fancies to -- well, you. She's always told me about all of them."

"All! _All_ of them! How many is there in an ‘all of them'?!"

"I can tell what this is about from here." She glanced again to where her daughter sat. "That guy -- a level zero at best. He's doing the talking and she's just answering. She's not even flirting, not even harmless flirting. That's not even level zero."

"What else?"

"Is this really bothering you?"

"Pond!"

"All right, calm down." She sized up the situation again. "He's nothing current. And since when does River have anything current but you? So let's go, I want chips."

"She hasn't walked away. Shouldn't she walk away? Go tell her as her mother that she should -- he's _touching_ her!"

"Yeah, on the elbow. You hug people constantly. What's an elbow? Stop looking like you're going to land the Tardis on him." She sighed. "I'm not getting my chips until we're done here, am I? You realize he touched her, she hasn't touched him. And I'll tell her no more elbows if that makes you happy -- OO, did I ever tell you that I think I figured out who the guy was with the swappable heads? Remember when River said she dated a plastic duplicate? Well, she had this string of guys--"

"STRING?!"

"--back when we were in school, around years 12 and 13. They were all basically the same, my mum called them the clones."

"I feel sick."

"So I'm thinking - what if that was him? The duplicate? And she was just swapping out the heads? I brought it up to Rory. He hasn't forgiven me for it, but I know I'm right."

"Swappable heads..."

A caravan of trucks pulled up to the other side of River and whoever the man was with her.

Amy held up a hand to cut off the Doctor in case he had more to say. "Hold on, look at this."

People jumped out of the vehicles and scurried about unloading them onto hover sleds. Another person came up to the man with River and got his authorization on some forms.

Amy gave a broad smile in understanding. "He's an archaeologist."

"Pfft. Archaeologist."

"That's right," she drawled. "An arch-ae-ol-ogist. Like _her_. You know, someone who does the same thing that she _loves_. And somebody who obviously respects her for being one. Unlike a certain old manchild standing next to me whose initials are The Doctor."

"Yeah, well," he tapped himself on the chest, "I told Ace that archeologists were great. Important, impressive work, that's what I told her."

She lifted her eyebrows. "How long ago was that then? Ace was about -- 20 of your female companions ago?"

He cleared his throat awkwardly. "Not _that_ many."

The man called out to River to check his plans for the expedition.

Amy scrunched her forehead. "They probably knew each other at Luna. -- Wait. She might have told me about him after all. I'm trying to think of what his name was."

"Because they were at university."

"Yeah. Maybe something else."

The Doctor shifted and then dropped his voice to a whisper. "He acts like -- like he's seen her naked."

"So? I've seen you naked. What does that mean?" She crossed her arms in a way that said he was very amusing. "River has no problems having her kit off anymore than you do. You changed right in front of me and Rory into this getup."

"So he _is_ still a level zero. He knew her as a student." He snorted.

But the guy _stood_ there facing River like he had the right to do it. As if he somehow was allowed to capture her attention and keep it from the people who actually deserved it, but instead were forced to stand sixty feet away.

"You know it's not a real scale, yeah? I was just speaking figuratively. And level zero can mean a one time or two time thing."

"It can?!"

"Yeah. That's why she would have told me about him, if that's what it was. Just casual though, like in a what-happened-in university-lately kind of way. You have no room to talk. You flirt with just about everybody. You've had one nighters and more before her. Weren't you married?"

He got sharp. "That's different. And I didn't have one nighters. Not since I knew River."

Amy rolled her eyes. He moved from funny to annoying and she wanted her dinner. "You only have yourself to blame. You were the one who said leave her at the hospital. ‘Let her make her own way,' you said. Then didn't show up at her university for how long? You can't complain who she slept around with before you. Although as the mum, good for you for nobody after what? Berlin?"

"Pandorica. Well, earlier. Nobody since the last body. Not because of her that whole time. Just new body to break in and--"

"Less happy as the mum now."

He sniffed. "I could bring up someone before her wedding."

" _Really_ _mad_ _as_ _the_ _best_ _friend_ _now_ _!_ "

He shrugged. "So your thoughts on one nighters that happen in the past. Still nothing?"

"You're not helping yourself."

The guy kept River's focus on him. That had to be a crime against the universe as a whole.

"I should drop him in the Zaclilles wormhole. "

Amy grinned. "You are all jealous, aren't you? You can't even see straight -- and over a guy who could be nothing at all."

"You got a bad jealous streak, Pond. Don't be lecturing me."

"I know I do. Where do you think River gets hers from?"

He worked his ample jaw to show what he thought of her lack of help before snapping his bangs back and giving her a smile. "You know, I saw a chip shop in the town right behind the Tardis. Rory pointed it out. A woman was giving him the ‘come hither'."

Her arms tightened across her chest. She glared and he smirked. It took a full minute, but she eventually smiled. "Fine, but don't ever say ‘come hither' again. Ew. But I'll end this now."

She called into the Tardis. "Rory!"

He came out and looked back and forth between them. "What? Oh, that's where River went."

She pointed at the man with their daughter. "Do you know that guy? The one she's talking to."

The Doctor pointed out crankily, " _He_ _'_ _s_ talking to _her_."

"Ssh! Rory's concentrating."

Her husband gave her a dark, "Thanks for that." But he squinted to get a better look at whom she meant. "Uh, no. Should I?"

"No. Just needed to know." She gave a quick, happy peck on the cheek. "Thank you! You can go back to whatever you were doing."

He sighed and walked back into the Tardis. "Okay. I thought we were getting dinner."

"We are. Hang on, I'm going to go grab River." She turned back to the Doctor and gave him a big broad grin. "There you go. Told you."

"Told me what, Pond?!"

She gave an audible exhale. "You don't get it, do you? She didn't tell Rory about him. So he's nothing. You should have listened to me."

"Listen to what?! You said that -- that -- _that_ was maybe a one nighter! Or more!"

"You really are blind." She spoke slowly so he would understand. "She didn't tell Rory."

"That could mean anything!"

She knocked on his forehead. "It _means_ that's how you know the git is nothing."

"Oh now you're even calling him a git."

"Mum's prerogative. I didn't like how he put his leg up on the crate. That's a git thing to do. It doesn't change that River never said anything to Rory. I hear about them all--"

"Back to _all_!"

"-- but that's us. Not Rory. She only tells Rory if they're something. She's always been that way, even in school. They would have to be off the ground floor with her -- like a level one -- for her to mention them. A level two meant she _might_ get a picture and show it to him. He met one of them, but it was an accident. Rory practically tripped over them in a shop. But she still introduced the girl. Then when he said we should all get together -- my parents said they would have dinner at our house -- that was it. She broke it off the next day. She told me it made her realize she didn't want to go any further with it because it wasn't worth bringing the girl home to Rory."

"Think about it, Raggedy Man. River always showed what she felt about you in front of him, even when he didn't know he was her dad. She even told him about you before she told me. Well, kind of. Not right out told me anyway. She's not touching that guy? How many ways has she always touched you that you already thought of in just this second?"

"Fifty-seven."

"And all in front of Rory. He dies a little inside each time, by the way. Don't get him started about his PTSD after the quite the screamer comment. Even I'm scarred by that... although, she would have said it as Mels too, but still, what mum needs to know that? Or how about the night when we all went out to that restaurant and she kept her hand on your thigh the whole time? Including when that photographer came over and took our picture. The point is she's always been that way about you in front of him. I did love you looking back at us, though, after you made kissy faces at her when you found out she's Melody."

The Doctor rightfully looked worried. "I thought he'd skewer me with that sword."

"He still might. Now watch this. River!"

Her daughter looked over. Amy waved and River waved back.

The Doctor shook his head. "Stunned by your brilliance, Pond."

"I'm not done, you numpty. Oi, River!" Amy gave a wide open armed gesture that asked _what's going on_. River held up a finger and turned back.

Amy gave herself a verbal pat on the back. "I am brilliant. She doesn't even want to introduce him to me let alone her dad. And if that guy over there was anything beyond an archaeologist or a quick thing she knew once years ago, Rory would know. And she'd let me in on it." She patted him on the chest. "So forget him - the guy that is. Rory, we're getting chips!" she hollered as she walked into the Tardis.

The Doctor stared over at the other man who was trying to make River stay for more than the one moment she had signaled to Amy. His smile grew and grew with smug, dark delight.

"Not even a level zero. Ha!"

Their equally startled looks let him know he had said that out loud; he had even shouted the _Ha_! He didn't care. He snapped his lapels and straightened his bowtie; his hands slipped back his tweed and dropped to his lean hips in the way he liked to show off for River.

He posed and grew sleek under her smiling eyes and grin. He then strutted across the sixty feet and let the other man see what the top level of the River Song scale looked like.

**Author's Note:**

> Notes:
> 
> The Doctor really did tell Ace about what important work archeologists do. It's in "Battleground".
> 
> Alex Kingston inspired the moment of River keeping her hand on the Doctor's thigh in the restaurant among a group of people. Alex did this with her boyfriend-fiancee at the Macbeth opening night party while he kept his arm around her shoulders. Congratulations to them again on getting married!
> 
> You could also say it works with Marc Ellerby's Pond Family picture that's on Amy's wall in "Summer Wholiday" (Titan Comics: Eleventh Doctor adventures issue 13). But I don't know if the Doctor would be smiling as River groped him in front of her parents. It better fits "Double Date" in issue 11.
> 
> I picture Sam Neill in Jurassic Park as the man hitting on River. I know he was a paleontologist and a nice guy, but there you go. He's the one who popped into my head.


End file.
